The Emotional Aftermath Of Hurricane Katrina

HOW TO GUIDE YOUR CHILDREN

By Russell Friedman & John W. James of The Grief Recovery Institute

The images of New Orleans under water have played so often on our television screens that it’s unlikely that any child over the age of six has not seen them many times over. The sight of thousands of people – adults and children – camped out in stadiums and other facilities is etched into our childrens’ minds and hearts.

While adults grapple with their own gamut of emotions unleashed along with the flood waters, the question we get from them most often at The Grief Recovery Institute is: What do we say to our children?

Nearly everyone we talk to has told us about watching the images of destruction caused by Hurricane Katrina and then trying, with varying degrees of success, to address the emotions triggered in their children. As parents already know, it can be difficult to explain death to young children, who often don’t grasp the idea of the permanence of death. Children anywhere from age 3 to 8 may have difficulty with the images and ideas they’ve seen and heard on the television over the past few days. The 9-12 age range and the 13 and up bracket will have different fears and preoccupations than the younger children. Each child has a unique personality and differing responses to losses of all kinds. With that in mind, it’s impossible to put down one set of guidelines that would be applicable to all children. We will give some general guidelines that have universal application for parents and other guardians.

We are constantly asked whether or not parents should allow their children to watch the non-stop television coverage. While we do not give advice, we recognize that since we as adults are affected by the repeated images, they will also affect our children. You must make your own decisions about TV exposure for your children. It may be unrealistic at this point to keep your children entirely hidden from TV, newspapers, magazines, or even conversations about the tragedy. What is most important is that you make it safe and possible for your children to talk with you about the information they are seeing or hearing about.

In helping children deal with grief, the most important element is not the AGE or SIZE of the child, but the KNOWLEDGE and HONESTY of the parents and other guardians. Children need to have a safe place to talk about the feelings they have in response to all of life’s events. Never is that more apparent then in the wake of a tragedy. Now more than ever, you must create that safe place. Here are some guidelines that will help you feel more comfortable in communicating with your children.

Tip number one will surprise you: ADULTS GO FIRST

We know that you want to help your children and helping them talk about how they feel is important. But asking children how they feel doesn’t work very well [it doesn’t work well with adults either]. The best way to find out how your child feels is to tell how you feel. It creates safety. This is especially important with children. Thus our admonition - ADULTS GO FIRST. In regards to the images of destruction caused by Katrina, it would sound something like this: "I was so scared when I saw what had happened. I was so sad about the people and the families who lost everything.”

Tip number two expands on the first tip: TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF & LET YOUR FEELINGS SHOW

As parents, you are your children’s leaders. They look to you for guidance in responding to frightening events. With that in mind, you must tell the truth about how you feel, so your children can copy you and tell the truth about how they feel. It’s that simple. When you say that you feel sad for the boys and girls whose homes are gone and who’ve had to move far away, you may have tears in your eyes. Please let that be okay. Let your children see you being sad. It is normal, and natural, and healthy.

Tip number three may contradict a long-held belief: DON’T ACT STRONG, ACT HUMAN

Many parents think that they should Be Strong For Their Children, and in trying to do that, they hide their own feelings of sadness or fear. As you know, children are natural mimics, so they will copy you. When you ACT STRONG and cover up your feelings, they’ll do the same. When you try to get them to open up and tell you how they feel, they won’t because you haven’t demonstrated that.

It is the classic problem with “Do as I say, not as I do.” You may have observed that when you ask your children how they are, they may say "Fine," even when you know they’re not. You also may have noticed that when you ask them, "What’s wrong, sweetie," they’ll say "Nothing." That is the logical byproduct when you have acted strong instead of telling the truth about yourself. They have learned to protect themselves, just as you have.

Tip number four simply instructs you: THREE THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR CHILDREN

Never Say - Don’t Feel Bad

Never Say  - Don’t Feel Sad

Never Say  - Don’t Feel Scared

Oh, and if you haven’t figured it out yet, don’t say those things to your adult friends, either.

ONCE MAY NOT BE ENOUGH

Creating safety and open emotional communication is essential at times of crisis, when our world is turned upside down and provokes a wide array of natural fears. But, it is foolhardy to think that a single chat may be sufficient to complete everything that accrues inside your child’s heart, mind, and soul.

As you might debrief the normal events of normal days with your spouse or children, it is wise to create some conversational safety for your children. Then they can feel free to mention some of the new ideas they may have heard that day in school, or at a friend’s house, or on radio or TV, about the ongoing developments in the aftermath of Katrina.

Again, it is always smart for the adults to go first. Even if there is nothing new, or if you do not want to create a preoccupation in your children, you can say, "I didn’t hear anything new today, what about you?" At least you can gently open the door, without interrogating your child. It’s also a good idea to adopt a normal, conversational tone. It’s also advisable to avoid things like, "Let’s sit down and talk about what’s going on," which might put your child on the spot.

DON’T FIX FEELINGS

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. In addition to feeling sad and scared, what your children have seen on the television has created a loss of safety and loss of trust. Those are also natural emotions. Please allow them and acknowledge them if your children say them, but don’t try to fix them. If your child was happy, you would not try to fix or alter that feeling. Therefore there is no need to fix a feeling of sadness or fear

Feelings need to be heard, not fixed.

© 2005 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute.
All rights reserved. For permission to reprint this and other articles please contact The Grief Recovery Institute at Editor@grief.net or by phone USA (818) 907-9600   Canada (519) 586-8825