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Many years ago Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross wrote a book entitled On Death and Dying. The
book identified five stages that a dying person goes through when
they are told that they have a terminal illness. Those stages are:
denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For many
years, in the absence of any other helpful material, well-meaning
people incorrectly assigned those same stages to the grief
that follows a death or loss. Although a griever might experience
some or all of those feeling stages, it is not a correct or
helpful basis for dealing with the conflicting feelings caused by
loss.
We hesitate to name stages
for grief. It is our experience that given ideas on how to
respond, grievers will cater their feelings to the ideas presented
to them. After all, a griever is often in a very suggestible
condition; dazed, numb, walking in quicksand. It is often
suggested to grievers that they are in denial. In all of our years
of experience, working with tens of thousands of grievers, we have
rarely met anyone in denial that a loss has occurred.
They say "since my mom died, I have had a hard time."
There is no denial in that comment. There is a very clear
acknowledgment that there has been a death. If we start with an
incorrect premise, we are probably going to wind up very far away
from the truth.
What about anger? Often
when a death has occurred there is no anger at all. For example,
my aged grandmother with whom I had a wonderful relationship got
ill and died. Blessedly, it happened pretty quickly, so she did
not suffer very much. I am pleased about that. Fortunately, I had
just spent some time with her and we had reminisced and had told
each other how much we cared about each other. I am very happy
about that. There was a funeral ceremony that created a truly
accurate memory picture of her, and many people came and talked
about her. I loved that. At the funeral a helpful friend reminded
me to say any last things to her and then say goodbye, and I did,
and I'm glad. I notice from time to time that I am sad when I
think of her or when I am reminded of her. And I notice,
particularly around the holidays, that I miss her. And I am aware
that I have this wonderful memory of my relationship with this
incredible woman who was my grandma, and I miss her. And, I am not
angry.
Although that is a true
story about grandma, it could be a different story and create
different feelings. If I had not been able to get to see her and
talk to her before she died, I might have been angry at the
circumstances that prevented that. If she and I had not gotten
along so well, I might have been angry that she died before we had
a chance to repair any damage. If those things were true, I would
definitely need to include the sense of anger that would attend
the communication of any unfinished emotional business, so I could
say goodbye.
Unresolved grief is almost
always about undelivered communications of an emotional nature.
There are a whole host of feelings that may be attached to those
unsaid things. Happiness, sadness, love, fear, anger, relief,
compassion, are just some of the feelings that a griever might
experience. We do not need to categorize, analyze, or explain
those feelings. We do need to learn how to communicate them and
then say goodbye to the relationship that has ended.
It is most important to
understand that there are no absolutes. There are no definitive
stages or time zones for grieving. It is usually helpful to attach
feeling value to the undelivered communications that keep you
incomplete. Attaching feelings does not have to be histrionic or
dramatic, it does not even require tears. It merely needs to be
heartfelt, sincere and honest.
Grief is the normal and
natural reaction to loss. Grief is emotional, not intellectual.
Rather than defining stages of grief which could easily confuse a
griever, we prefer to help each griever find their own truthful
expression of the thoughts and feelings that may be keeping them
from participating in their own lives. We all bring different and
varying beliefs to the losses that occur in our lives, therefore
we will each perceive and feel differently about each loss.
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